Win or Lose
by holycitygirl
Summary: Seth's thoughts during The Gamble. Companion piece to Sink or Swim. Slash --Do not read if you don't like boyboy relationships.


Title:  Win or Lose

Disclaimer:  Don't own, ain't getting paid

Pairing:  Ryan/Seth  --Slash.  Do not read if you don't like boy/boy love.

Summary:  Episode 3.  Seth's POV.   This is the second story in a series that I have decided to post individually.  It can stand alone.  But if you want to read the previous –here it is ---Sink or Swim 

A/N:  Please tell me if you like.  I'm trying to get motivated to write the third installment.  And hopefully some stand alone pieces.

Seth didn't sleep at all that night.  He kept thinking about Ryan in that cop car with Luke.  Ryan being taken away_.__  Ryan blaming him.  He didn't think he could live with that.  _

God why had he been so stupid?  But he knew why.  He would have done anything to keep him here.  And that had been the only recourse.  Somehow it had turned horribly wrong.  He pulled off his sheets in a huff, tugged on his Strongbad t-shirt and decided he blamed the girl.  If Marissa had kept her highlights and Gucci _Do me_ pumps to herself Ryan wouldn't be in this mess.  

He might have been in Texas instead, a sullen voice inside his head stated.  He tried to curb his selfishness for five minutes and realize that that would be better than where he was.  For the millionth time Seth rolled over in his bed and squeezed his eyes as tightly shut as possible.  He didn't want to think about Ryan being somebody's bitch.  He didn't want anyone to touch Ryan.  Silent, strong Ryan didn't need anymore hassle in his life.  He didn't need anymore pain.  Half the time Seth couldn't look him in the eye as it was.  They were so sad.  Seth felt like he could see and count each and every shard of Ryan's broken heart in those eyes.  

Except when he smiled.  When Ryan smiled you couldn't see any pain. You couldn't see anything.  It was like turning a cd into the sun –a white glare and then suddenly you were smiling back.  Every time Ryan smiled he wanted to make him do it again.  Because those moments were too brief and they made the return of the pain eyes that much worse. 

Rolling again he told his overactive brain to shut up and go to sleep.  It didn't listen.

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The next morning he felt like shit.  He was tired.  All he wanted was to see Ryan.  And he knew that his mother was never going to let that happen.  

"Can I see him?" he asked anyway.  And tried to convey all his betrayal through his own eyes the way Ryan did, when she responded in the negative.  She really was a trip.  How could she do this to him?  How could she do it to Ryan?  How could anyone look at him and not want to protect him?  But she didn't want to care about him.  It didn't fit into her perfect life.  It was bad enough that "her son was _friends_ with that boy".  She didn't want to be his mother.  But her saying it just pissed him off.  

"Good thing" He shot back and he meant it.  He didn't want Ryan for a brother.  He just wanted Ryan. 

"I hired a detective to find his mother…What more do you want?"  

Well he wanted a lot more.  A lot.  And it wasn't up to her to get it for him.  But he needed her to get him there to see him. He was afraid though that Ryan would be mad.  He was afraid he wouldn't want to see him.  So he stopped by to see if Marissa would go with him under the ruse that they were all "friends".  He thought that maybe if Ryan didn't feel the same way about him then maybe he would see that by bringing Marissa he was willing to just be friends.  

He was willing to take what he would get.  But he really hoped it wouldn't come to that.  For Ryan as well as him, because when he went- he got nothing from the girl.  She wouldn't come.  She was useless.  And he had to stutter all over Summer on top of it.  His ruse was force of habit by now, but it never stopped making him feel ashamed afterward.  Maybe if he could drop the act, he'd get somewhere in life.  

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The actual Juvi scene was completely depressing.  He walked in and suddenly wished he'd stayed at home like Marissa.  He didn't want to see Ryan in this horrible place.  He didn't want to think about Ryan being bullied by thugs the way Seth had himself always been bullied by the boys of the O.C. But when he saw him he knew he had no choice.  He cared too much.  

Sitting across from him, he tried to read his expression but at the same time avoid his gaze.  It wasn't the easiest of tasks.  And he didn't get much out before the psycho with the bad attitude, who was obviously responsible for the puncture wounds on Ryan's neck, provoked the boy.  He didn't want to think about how much more he had done to lead up to that.  Ryan was nothing if not a pillar of restraint.  He was like a fire, hard to start.  But if you kept stoking him you'd feel the burn.  

But the whole horrible incident got him home.  Got Ryan back playing video games with him.  They were back playing all kinds of games.  

"So Ryan" he heard himself asking "what exactly happened that night with Marissa?"  He hoped he wanted to hear the response.  He forced himself to search his eyes and not cheer when he said "nothing".  "You expect me to believe that?" he asked like a jealous lover.  And he did.  Because he wanted to.  He gave him a look though that said otherwise.  He was fishing.  He knew it.  Ryan knew it.  

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But before they could get settled into any kind of happy drama free existence –fate stepped back in.  The detective had found Ryan's mother and his dad had picked her up and brought her home.  He had a nasty habit of doing that these days.  

Ryan's mother was unbelievable.  Watching them interact made him feel horrible for treating his own mother the way he had that morning.  She was the greatest mom in the world compared to Ryan's. Seth saw her there and he could feel the look descend over his friend's features without even having to see his face.  

"Ry" the woman said as if one cute nickname could make up for abandoning her youngest son.  As if a nickname could convey a love that may or may not be enough.  Seth made a mental note to never use the endearment.  

Sitting at the table it went from bad to worse.   He heard the pain behind Ryan's questions saw the woman scrambling to make excuses and wished he could make it stop. He wanted to block out the knowledge of the abuse.  He didn't want to know.  Ryan didn't want them to know.  He tried to express that through their shared look as he left the table.  

Standing in his room he wanted to know what was being said in the pool house.  What was she doing to hurt him more?  What _could she?  But when they came out, Ryan didn't have the blank look in his eyes or the pain.  He had a smile, although a reserved one.  And Seth wanted to believe that this would be the last chance she would need.  As much as Ryan probably did.    _

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At the party Ryan tried to keep a watch over his mother.  Seth could see that and kept his distance in order for him to feel less embarrassed.  He saw him leave at one point to talk to Marissa and felt stupid for wishing for more.  Marissa was perfect.  And as soon as Luke was out of the picture -her and Ryan -would make a perfect couple.   

He should have prepared his heart better for what he knew was coming.  He told himself he didn't need the hassle anyway. Which left him with Summer.  His crush, his ruse, the girl who couldn't even remember his name.  But it was the only unrequited love he was willing to admit.  

"You're not going anywhere Sid" Summer stated.  Seth looked around goofy grin in place even though his heart was breaking.  _Yep, looked like she was right_.  But the first chance he got he found himself looking for Ryan.  Standing at the drink table he looked unbelievably sad again.  

He wonders how the guy handles all these up and down emotions.  Before last week Seth had never experienced them himself.  Seth's life had been about boring coasting.  Now he was all over the place.  For the first time he wondered if he really could handle Ryan if he got him.  Those eyes could really be the death of him.  

Looking into them he mumbled something about Summer learning his name (as if that would ever happen, Stanley) and wags his eyebrows as he walks away.  He wants Ryan to lose this round.  He wants him to admit that there is something more between these looks that they give each other.  He wants him to admit what is being said in the sighs and grunts.  But forcing Ryan's hand is going to be quite difficult.  He has perfected stoic and is used to denying himself.  And even if he does like him he probably thinks he is doing him a favor by staying away.  His heroics, like Seth's lies will get them nowhere.  

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When his mom hits the floor he knows he has lost.  The eyes are ten times worse.  This is it.  He is sure it is what will kill Ryan's smile forever.  And he is over within arms link before Summer's dice can hit the table.  He has folded.  But the cards weren't that good to begin with.  And doesn't the house always win?

Moms are weird.  It took two of them to change his life.  Ryan's mother to leave and his own to take over.  He knows he will sleep tonight.  Even if the words "he's staying" refuse to quit ringing in his ears.  "That's awesome.  That's awesome right?" he asks looking to Ryan to see if its okay to be glad that he just lost what was left of his family.  And the happy smile is all the answer he needs.  

"Let's go, let's go talk about stuff".  He persuades excitedly.  And he hopes they can.  


End file.
